01 May The comeback is stronger than the setback
What a year!
When I think of all those times, I have said I just needed the gift of spare time to be able to do all the writing things I want I never imagined that one day I would be presented with that gift. I also never imagined I would then be faced with the biggest creative block I had ever faced in the history of the world.
I haven’t become less dramatic though, you will be pleased to hear.
Like always, I will be honest. I have completely struggled with my mental health the past year. I think everyone has. When you take a step back and say the words “we’ve been living in a global pandemic” it just does not seem right. How can that be reality?
I spent a lot of time sat in front of my laptop just staring at the screen, willing for the words to flow out of me like they used to but there was nothing. I had nothing to give, nothing to say other than I am really lonely and I am really sad.
I missed life. I missed my friends, my family. I missed getting in the car and driving up the M4. I ached to be sat next to the conveyer belt of never-ending sushi, I missed complaining about how much a day out with the kids cost. I missed space and quiet. I missed being squeezed up next to strangers being covered in each other’s sweat and droplets of warm beer as we jumped around to the live band we were watching.
I cried over plans being cancelled, I never thought I would be desperate just to go on a bloody train journey. I became frightened of being outside but depressed when I was in my house. Work became stressful and tiring, everything has just been hard and I felt had no energy to get through it.
I started experiencing increased irregular heartbeats which is not good anyway but even more so when you have a heart condition. I stopped dancing and I took a break from clinging on to NBG, I was posting half-arsed posts of my face on the gram with no substance to go with it just stay in that damn algorithm. I never started this blog to become just a face. The term influencer is a weird one for me. Do I want to encourage people to read my stuff? Well, obviously so in that regards, am I an influencer? The accounts that I follow are thought provoking, funny and cool. They are influencers, they influence me on interesting accounts to follow, good books to read and cool places to go.
I want to be seen like that. I want my readers to find me relatable and interesting and I want to be likable. That is a weird thing to say, isn’t it? Yet, every single person feels that way. We all want to be liked but I am not chasing those likes. Five likes from people that are genuinely interested mean more than thousands of empty likes. You cannot be liked by everyone. I know that there are people that do not. I was not the best person when I was younger but who was? We learn and we grow and if people still have opinions of how I was when I was 18 when I am nearly 37 then more fool them for thinking that I have not had any growth since then. I am also aware that my content is not for everybody and that is also completely fine.
That is a key point of all of this. I cannot and will not be liked by everybody but I will still do this because one person might. One person may be struggling with something and stumble across something I have written and it might make them feel better. So, what is more important? Making one person feel good or striving to impress thousands? My favourite quote of all time is I would rather have five 20ps then 100 pennies. Removing that pressure that social media makes us feel sometimes has made my creativeness come back. I have lost followers and my engagement has decreased rapidly but I can build all that back up and I will be doing it for the right reasons.
I needed the space to breathe and to reassess what I was doing. Not just with NBG but with everything. I have poured my energy into healing my soul. I have asked myself difficult questions that I never had the time to ask before. I have discovered uncomfortable truths but also beautiful realisations. I am not healed but I am healing. I have a thousand ideas flying around constantly of how I want my future to look. I am trying my hardest to make decisions that impact me and my happiness, I do not ever put myself first. I am trying to give myself compliments – It is HARD when your self-loathing and self-sabotage has been your best friend for three decades.
So, this time has not been wasted. I have been constantly working it has just been hidden and I am ready to bloom outside as well as in.