23 Aug My mountain from the molehills
I’m not quite sure what it was that happened just over a week ago, but something has triggered off my anxiety and I have been having a tough time since. Today I have woken a little bit clearer, but it has left me with a sour taste to my mouth.
Last Thursday I woke, and I didn’t want to go to work but not in the ‘Waaaah, I don’t want to go to work way’ but the very thought of having to dress myself and leave my house made me nauseous. How I managed to get to get there I don’t know and within ten minutes I was in floods of tears to my work mate. If tis babe got money every time I have cry on her she could probably retire.
Since then I have had a pit in my stomach and a feeling like wherever I am I need to be quick and be somewhere else like I am in a constant rush for something but there is nowhere I need to be. I have no unpaid bills, no leftover work or deadlines. Nothing to cause me this unsettled, unfinished feeling.
When I get like this I yearn for the old Nicki. Old Nicki was cool as a cucumber and scrappy as fuck. I’ve always been a pushover and a bit of an emo whinge pants, but I lived a normal life. Apart from writing some dark poetry and song lyrics and thinking Brian Molko from Placebo was my melancholic spirit animal didn’t really stress about things and I don’t know what changed.
I still to this day cannot answer what the first catastrophic trigger was that has now planted this black seed into my very core. I get anxious thoughts every single day without fail but most days they can just be one or two thoughts and I go about my business merrily but on other days the spiral of thoughts are crushing.
Here is an insight into what I go like when I spiral. It’s pretty manic and apart from my nearest and dearest I have never gone into detail about my internal thought process when I have my episodes, so this is kind of a big deal. I had a real shit sleep and woke uneasy. I worried about being over-tired and un-productive in work because there is a lot going on in my work place now. I then started thinking about packing up the shop when we have our imminent re-fit, then I thought how we would cope if we get sick when we’re a staff member down on the days I am by myself, then I started thinking about how I’m so susceptible to illness in the winter because I have the shittest immune system ever. I then started thinking about foods I should cut out which I sometimes react too to reduce my chances of being ill. I thought about purchasing a facemask, so I don’t inhale the kid germs that follow them from school. Then I started to feel unwell thinking about being unwell then I started to cry because I couldn’t breathe properly and then I couldn’t calm down and then all my make-up smudged then I started worrying about being late for work. I then imagined a whole car crash scenario in my head because I couldn’t see this imaginary car in my imaginary journey through my mascara tears. I Literally spiral out of control. As much as I hate having a panic attacks I am unsure of how I could calm myself without them coming to a head. There is nothing I can say that explains why I go so manic. In this moment of sheer panic, I feel completely and utterly insane. I know that people who suffer with mental health issues find that word derogatory, but I cannot find another word to express it. When I have a full trigger attack like that it takes me days to recover and re-balance.
I know that I am not my anxiety and I know that I am not alone. Yet in these moments I feel so alone and so lost. I feel I become a drain and a burden on my loved ones. I cannot even imagine how hard I must be to live with when I am in my dark cloud.
I am so fortunate to have an incredible support system. They say your vibe attracts your tribe and my friends all seem to have anxiety flare ups and talking to each other and being able to understand and sympathise and reassure because we share that crippling sensation is such a wonderful thing to have.
I live in a beautiful place that is accessible to sea air and woodland rambles and having these gorgeous escapes on my doorstep help me to re-align my feelings. Having waves lap at your feet is some of the best free therapy anyone can receive, and nothing makes my untied soul lace itself back up again like that sensation.
My mind is clearer and in the moments of clarity I try to reflect and find some solace and rationalisation on why it may have happened but sometimes I cannot answer.The only solace I find is that I know that I am not alone in this and now more than ever people are opening to not being okay.
Anxiety is a mountain that I must trek but one day I’ll reach the top and I’ll see clearly and I’ll breathe the cleanest air and I’ll know that through determination, support and openness I’ll beat this motherfucker.